Have you ever had an argument with your partner where you say things you don’t mean, that you later regret? Or you withdraw because it becomes too much to handle?
When we are in conflict, if our heart rate reaches 100+ we experience flooding. This is a physiological response. When this happens our prefrontal cortex (our rational thought, decision making process and impulse control) switches off, and amygdala (the part involved in experiencing emotions) switches on. When this occurs, we need to take a break. One partner needs to call it and make a commitment to come back at an agreed upon time to discuss.
How do we initiate the break?
We use gentle start up with phrases such as:
“This conversation is important to me, but I am starting to feel flooded, we need to take a break and talk about this after dinner”
“I am not in the best frame of mind to deal with this effectively, I need a break, can we come back to this later?”
What if we struggle to get the words out?
For some people, they can get in such a dysregulated state that they feel they can’t get the words out. In that case, it can be helpful to have an agreed upon hand signal or gesture. Such as putting your hand up, or if physical touch feels safe at the time, squeezing your partners hand. This gesture needs to be discussed beforehand, which includes an understanding of what it means. For example, it may mean, “I love you, this conversation matters to me, but we need a break”.
What does taking a pause look like?
There needs to be a minimum of 30 minute break, and up to a maximum of 24 hours.
During this time, we need to do calming things that will regulate our nervous system. This can include going for a walk, doing a puzzle, yoga, meditation etc. It’s important to note that during these activities, we aren’t thinking of what we will say back next time we have the discussion. Otherwise, these thoughts will keep you in a dysregulated state. The aim is to calm ourselves down. When we take the break, we need to focus on switching off from the argument, and focussing on the activity we are doing. Then, once both partners have gotten into the calmer state, we can go back and have the discussion again.
It's okay to go to bed angry
There is a saying that, “You should never go to bed angry”. However, if we relate this to the concept of flooding, there’s a chance you could still feel flooded by the time you go to bed that night. And what makes this challenging, is that if we put pressure on ourselves to solve the argument before falling asleep, this could create further stress and anxiety if things feel worse again. If this happens, there’s very little chance of having a decent night’s sleep if we start the argument all over again. Furthermore, sometimes sleep can also act as a reset. You may wake up with a clearer mind, and a different perspective to when you fell asleep. So, if you are still feeling flooded at bed time, the best thing to do is sleep on it.
What to do when you come back for the conversation
When you arrive back to the conversation, in a state of calm, there is a stronger chance you’ll be able to deal with the same issue in a more rational frame of mind. For some couples, with the passing of time and being out of the dysregulated state, it can also mean not feeling the need to have the conversation again. There’s no need to process what happened, because the disagreement may have been over something trivial. However, it’s important that both partners still come back to ensure they are on the same page with this. If the conversation does still need to be had, it can look like this:
Taking turns in speaking, we must allow the person who is speaking to speak until they feel understood.
The person who is speaking can talk about the issue in a gentle way by describing the event, their feelings and what they need. Ensuring we don’t use criticism or blaming language. For instance, “When I came home yesterday and I saw a mess in the kitchen, I felt frustrated because I need to come home to a clean and calm space”
The listener, can empathise, validate, summarise or ask open ended questions.
Examples include:
“It makes sense to me why you would feel like that”
“I would be frustrated too if that was me”
“Can you tell me the story behind why it’s important you come home to clean and calm space?”
The listener then asks the speaker if they feel understood, if it’s a yes, swap roles, but if it’s a no, spend more time understanding what’s going on for them
Finally, you can make the repair by apologising if needed. It’s important to note, that conveying understanding of the impact we had on our partner, must precede the apology. Because saying sorry too early or straight away, can feel like an empty apology.
References:
Gottman, J. and Schwartz Gottman, J. (2024) Fight right. Penguin Random House.
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